Our words to kids are like sticky notes in their brains – make ‘em positive and fun.
A few days ago, I read an article on some insightful and science-backed tips on raising happy children. At the top of the list is what I found the most evident and reasonable advice of all: be happy yourself! Nemo dat quod non habet. The quote that originates from a legal context applies unarguably here. You cannot give what you do not have. You cannot raise a happy child or provide him with a happy environment if you are not a happy parent.Â
The same thing equally applies to the prompt above. If I want my child to use positive words, I should show him regularly the habit of using positive words. And this is not only a strategy but, first and foremost, an attitude for life. It cannot be a mere means, imposed externally, to form a good habit in a child, but a preferential option you live to the fullest in your life. Experience has taught me that applying a strategy will not create a long-lasting impact unless it also flows from a commitment to do what I believe and value as the basic tenets and purpose that underpin such a strategy. The last thing echoes throughout the experience with my son.Â
I remember occasions when my son’s antics incensed me. Not wanting to unsettle him, I put on my best face and kept an outward sign of tranquillity. Though still clearly not at peace, I tried to give him the impression that whatever happened earlier was past, completely forgiven and forgotten. But what is ostensible does not work. What only serves as some semblance of a genuine thing does not last.
A few days ago, an incident that exemplifies what I just described happened to me. When my son wanted a bath, I teased him by saying he would have a cold bath. Not picking up my intention, he beckoned me to come closer to him. Approaching him innocently, I only got a slap on the face. It was light, but I found it demeaning and insulting. I was infuriated but managed to rein in my temper. I asked him to discuss the incident privately in our bedroom, telling him things I wanted him to understand. He said that he didn’t like my teasing and was sorry for that uncalled-for insolence. I told him I accepted his apology. But inside, I was still enraged. This discrepancy only prompted irritability. The unwillingness to sincerely forgive and forget made me silently hold a grudge when playing with him later. I tried to act normally, but it failed miserably. I finally decided to forgive and forget completely, and only then gained composure. Â
As parents, we want to teach our children to use positive and encouraging words. But giving instructions won’t suffice. We should model that behaviour by being positive and encouraging in words and deeds. In this light, being a parent is a transformative gift. By becoming better parents, we become better persons. We, therefore, should lovingly and gratefully embrace this gift every day.
Alfonsus, from Arahope.